Losing myself seems to be a talent of mine. I wish I could consider myself a gifted individual because of this talent but sadly, the ability to lose oneself so easily isn’t really an admirable trait.
I wish there was something that set me apart. Something that made me unique. Something I could cling to, when I started to lose myself again. Sadly, the truth is, I’m excruciatingly average. Mediocre, at best. Anything I could possibly do, somebody else could do better. I don’t have any real dreams or ambitions, and I lack the motivation to actually become good at something.
I know it’s not something I should linger on, but I can’t help it. The pressure to perform keeps haunting me. Whether that pressure comes from society, my family, friends or even from myself, I don’t know. Ironically enough, the pressure makes me shut down. As soon as I get a chance to prove myself, I shut down and avoid the challenge. It’s really painful to be your own worst enemy like that. I really feel powerless coming face to face with myself.
Sometimes, I feel such a strong urge to make my life worthwhile again. With a burning passion, really. However, in the blink of an eye that passion sizzles and burns out. And then, I lose myself again. In a book, in a game or in music. Perhaps even in a long walk, while listening to podcasts about the things I could be doing with my life if I would actually put in the damn effort for once.
I’d like to find myself, I really would, but sometimes it’s just easier to stay lost.